My sweet friend asked me to write a little of my postpartum story for her mom ministry. I took a little time to look back and reflect on that chapter 12+ years ago.
I had my first baby after being married for just over 2 years. Married life was amazing up until that point… we were so thrilled to welcome our little boy into the world. What I wasn’t prepared for and had no idea to expect was the postpartum depression that also came crashing into my world. Of all the preparations I made during pregnancy, reading what to expect when you’re expecting, getting the nursery ready, checking garage sales for onesies and jammies, sewing a little quilt, sitting in the rocking chair and day dreaming about life to come… I had no idea the roller-coaster ride of raw, ugly and overwhelming emotions that would follow.
I bonded immediately with my 8 pound 13 ounce healthy in every way little boy. Labor and delivery were exhilarating, I met my goal of no pain medicine and my husband got to help deliver him into the world. In the hospital I really was doing well, I didn’t feel overwhelmed and soaked up all the nurses were teaching me. Ever since I was a little girl I longed for the day I would become a mom, married to a great guy, I was finally living that dream.
We got home and I remember feeling anxiety come crashing in. I had a lot of worries, was I doing this “right”? What if…? I wasn’t handling sleep deprivation well, the thought of company coming over made me completely overwhelmed, nursing was more challenging than I had expected, and I felt completely self-conscious attempting to feed him in the same room as anyone else.
I was one of the first in my group of friends to be a mom so I really didn’t feel safe or comfortable telling anyone how I was struggling in these ways, and assumed, falsely, that I was the only one who had ever gone through a rocky transition. The pregnancy weight didn’t come off, and I had a really negative body image, clothes weren’t fitting right and it was all just so much at once.
I also had been neglecting my Bible reading and that was probably one of the bigger contributors, allowing Satan’s lies to sink in.
“you’re no good at this”
“everyone else does this better”
I didn’t have truth to combat those lies so those lies really affected me and took root. Some people struggle with bonding with the baby in the midst of this, but for me it really all came out on my marriage instead. My husband took the brunt of my unchecked emotions and all of it very much took a toll on our relationship. We went through our first really really low valley those first few months.
On one especially hard night I packed up a basket of belongings and was honestly ready to walk out and leave him. I felt done. I felt at the end of my rope. Not even because of anything he had done, but because life was suffocating me, and I was living so selfishly. I was overwhelmed with everything. I was listening to lies instead of truths, I was holding it all in and not seeking healthy support or help. I wasn’t trusting anyone with what I was going through and the effects were devastating.
God broke through to me that night and instead of walking out my complete and utter brokenness took a step towards healing. It was a long road of growth, forgiveness, grace and learning to not let my emotions dictate my actions, but progress was real and really noticeable.
Honestly, I didn’t feel that cloud totally lift until I was finished nursing, and with the other 3 babies to follow that pattern stayed somewhat consistent for me. In closing, for anyone reading this thinking you are alone- don’t. For anyone believing lies instead of clinging to truths, take a step today. Talk to someone. Reach out. We are better together.
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