Full Hands: Full Heart

When I take the boys grocery shopping or am doing errands with all of them in tow it literally never fails that someone says to me, "boy, you sure have your hands full." or "are all of these yours?" These words are not spoken to me in an uplifting or encouraging way, they are always carrying a tone, a weight of an unspoken message. 

Inconvenience. 
Annoyance. 
In the way. 
The opposite of blessing. 

I feel sad, anxious and disheartened everytime it happens. Not because my feelings are so fragile, or because the opinion of a stranger bears a huge amount of impact on me.  But because I've looked into my boys' eyes during or just after the words are spoken. I've come to realize they are vulnerable, expectant and in need of my reassurance in those moments. They are waiting for my reaffirming words of worth, love, value and blessing. So I've learned to respond, "My hands are full, but you should see my heart." or "Aren't they the best helpers, I sure am lucky" The boys often smile at me, and we keep on doing whatever task we were there to do. (Not that it's never stressful while we are out- this is real-life so whatever you imagine it would be like grocery shopping with 4 young boys, it's probably pretty close to accurate)

I was thinking back to earlier this fall I was at the thrift store with a couple of my boys. We were browsing, and nearby notice a young mom who was there with a toddler. He was demanding a toy, which the mom repeatedly told him "no, not today." He kept asking, in tears, in demands, in whines. She calmly continued to say "no." He wasn't taking no for an answer. I could feel her anxiety rising, I could see her overwhelmed eyes because those eyes have been my own eyes many many times. Overwhelmed. Embarrassed. The "Get me outta here look"  I could see the glances of annoyance from other shoppers, from the workers. My heart went out to her. She wasn't giving into her young son's begging demands, she was setting boundaries and teaching in public... which is a least favorite of every mom I've ever known.  It's challenging enough to teach at home, or in private, but to be "on display" in public trying to lead our children is not easy, or fun or enjoyable or anything a mom looks forward to. Short term it is so much easier to just buy the toy. Long term we all know that saying no is really important. So in the moment I felt a little nudge from the Holy Spirit telling me to shoulder up to her, and give her just a bit of encouragement. I stood beside her and just quietly said, "You are doing an amazing job. It's not easy. Hang in there, we all have days like this" I couldn't keep the tears from welling up in my eyes or my voice from cracking, and when our eyes met, she had tears in hers too. One of the employees overheard me and our eyes met, they glanced away quickly but I do wonder what was going through their mind. The last thing this mom needed was someone saying, "you sure have your hands full" someone else rolling their eyes at a child acting childish. She needed a blessing.  Moms need that vote of confidence and for us to embrace motherhood out in public. 

These occurrences remind me of a painting that has hung in our

church's stairwell all my life- I need to learn the history of this painting because it is enormous and beautiful.  It's a full color painting of one of my favorite Bible stories of all time. Jesus surrounded with the children and moms.

I've always loved kids, as a young girl there was nothing better to me than getting together with my younger cousins. I loved the chance to be with babies and toddlers. Their noise did not bother me. Their needs did not overwhelm me, I found joy in playing with them and caring for them. But as a mom, it has become increasingly obvious to me that not everyone views kids with warm fuzzy feelings. They often times find them too loud, too messy, too inconvenient. A disturbance. Even with nice intentions, they can often be treated as an annoyance. I believe it would do us all some good if we can learn something from Jesus' example in this story. The disciples wanted to shoo the children away. Much like the people I shop along side of, or the other people in the thrift store that day, the disciples were inconvenienced by the presence, the time, the energy, perhaps the noise of the kids. I can just picture this, can't you? I love how Jesus stepped in- maybe the disciples thought He would be the voice of authority and set these kids straight and send them on their way. This response gives me goose bumps... He stepped in and hushed the disciples- NOT THE KIDS.

(actually my translation says he was indignant with the disciples!)

in·dig·nant

adjective

1. feeling or showing anger or annoyance at what is perceived as unfair treatment
2. 
   

He took the time to be with the children. To notice them, invest in them and can't you just imagine how He impacted them? He valued them. He laid His hands on them and gave them a blessing. 

I put myself in these mothers' shoes, moms that I'm sure I have much in common with. Moms loving their kids, at times overwhelmed with the demands of motherhood, moms trying their best to teach, even in public places. Moms bringing their children to Jesus. How they must have felt to see the disciples annoyed, not wanting to be bothered by their precious kids. A moms heart hurts when our kids are rejected or not wanted, and the disciples sure were trying to get those kids out of there.  When we are doing our best and getting glares from across the aisle, or getting huffed at for the shear nerve to have our kids with us. Oh how Jesus must have been an encouragement to them just at that moment of rejection. I can picture their eyes welling up with tears. 

Their hands full but their hearts now fuller. That's the effect Jesus has when He enters our moments.  He fills hearts.  

I bet they soaked it in. Jesus' love on their kids, His attention, care and blessing. He certainly impacted more than just a handful of kids that day- He taught us that kids are worth taking the time for. They are worth the extra messes, the extra noise, the extra everything. He loved that group of kids that day, but I know that He also encouraged a mom's heart. We get to choose who we want to be like, the disciples who didn't want to be bothered, or like Jesus.

Motherhood is no easy gig, a mom's heart is one deeply yearning and in need of encouragement. When someone intentionally invests in our kids, it blesses us. When someone reaffirms for us the value of our children it reaffirms much more for us. 

When we are careful of our words, even to a stranger- 

we can become a blessing or a discouragement. 

Mark 10:13-16
People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

Full hands
Full hearts
with the privilege to welcome the little ones and follow Jesus' example 
Hush adults. Lets listen to the children awhile.  

Recognizing false sources of joy

Have you guys ever tried to squeeze your joy out of your relationships, or home, or work or kids? What I mean is, I've noticed a little tempting pattern that pops up now and again in my life during different seasons. I've noticed that Satan hits me where it hurts and whispers this lie to me that my joy is somehow linked to how close I'm feeling to my hubby, how clean and organized or decorated my house currently is, how fulfilled I am feeling from the work I put into homeschooling or how well my kids are behaving. 

Like seriously, his lie to me says that these things are the sources of tremendous joy... And that when these things are performing above a line that I invent for myself, then my joy can be full and I can just kick back and really truly and even finally enjoy a "perfect life, perfect marriage, perfect clean home, perfect school days and perfect kids" woah...... When I buy into that sneaky lie a few things happen, all according to Satan's plan.

The Bible tells us that​ the thief comes to ruin us, I love the way the verse says it 

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. 

If I'm putting it all on Josh and relying on my marriage to supply my joy, when the feeling of close, or expectation of perfect fails.... It actually robs my joy, according to Satan's plan. He's the joy thief so he tricks us to put our trust in other things for joy, and then makes us feel so incredibly miserable when that source doesn't follow thru. 

Same with house stuff, if I'm holding off on joy until I get my checklist complete, or find the best New "10 tips to juggle it all", finally decluttering, or a little decorating shopping spree that I "owe myself"... Woah, Satan isn't an amateur at this, he knows how to link our vaulnerablities in and is so vicious! He is a pro. Joy doesn't come from these things! Any of them. So we're left feeling jealous, or empty or like we just can't get this figured out, not just joyless but actually like failures.

This one differs for all of us, but I know how great a smooth school day feels, where the kids are actually dillegent at work, excited with what I'm teaching and not complaining. A few things in this area are a struggle for me; if I am relying on that kind of day to give me joy I'm seriously asking a lot of my kids.... they aren't responsible for fulfilling me. I can't ask that of them! And I can't blame them for "failing to give me that joy" when honestly guys, that's not their job.

Here's where we need a good heaping dose of wisdom, now don't get me wrong, those things would be amazing, those things would be incredible to enjoy, it would be wonderful to feel like I've got things all figured out, that I'm "above line" performing at life... but the lie here is that seeking those things as an idol, as if they are the source of my joy. Guys, we need to get this distinction down, we need to know with all our hearts how to recognize this lie so we can start soaking up true joy, not counterfeit joy, or fleeting happiness. Or investing everyday in search of "the perfect day"... It doesn't exist. And even if you have seasons where marriage is wildly awesome, you've got this cleaning stuff down pat, work is rocking and rolling and your kids are a-m-a-z-i-n-g.... These things don't compare to the joy that comes from Jesus. The verse talks about the true, only, authentic lasting joy, He comes that we can have LIFE and have it ABUNDANTLY! 

When we set our focus on a relationship with Him as our source of joy, all the things He blesses us with are just that, blessings we can enjoy! We are free to enjoy marriage, kids, work... All of it... Because we aren't depending on people, or things or performance to fill us. And we also will be anchored in truth and ready to face the challenges in imperfect relationships, and imperfect lives because our joy is already full!! To be able to abide in joy, while living real-life!! That means when I have a bad day like yesterday, I can sing "victory in Jesus" and have my heart mean it, because a good day or a bad day isn't the definition of joy to me anymore. Real-life, all of it's crazy, ugly, hard and amazing can be considered joy when I'm living it with my Savior! 

and then there were four. 4. FOUR. IV.

We welcomed our fourth boy into our family on a cold January day.  He is wonderful.  Seriously.  From his head full of beautiful hair down to his wrinkled little feet.  All 10.6 pounds of miracle- placed in our hands to love and raise. What an incredible honor!  

His chubby cheeks beg to be kissed.  His little snuggles to be soaked up. His adorable little cry to be soothed.  We are really enjoying having a baby at home again since it has been almost 4 years since we heard the newborn cry.  Diapers, feedings, getting up in the night... it all came rushing back.  But along with the challenging parts, the feelings of an indescribable love came rushing back too.  My heart could just burst!  

The transition to homeschooling, housekeeping, hormones & not enough sleep.  Transitions are hard. and this one wasn't perfect. We had some rough days. I had some moments where I felt totally overwhelmed...  Like at lunch when Ledger spilled his milk and I just burst out in tears.  lol.  yeah- that happened.  My boys looked wide-eyed at me like "what the heck is going on with mom?! we spill milk all the time and she doesn't cry..."  Emotional, sentimental and longing for peace we stumbled through the first few days after Josh went back to work.  But we made it!  That's the thing: transitions don't last forever and we slowly fell into a rhythm.  I made a point to ignore dishes, laundry and clutter as I focused on giving the boys the attention they needed. We watched cartoons when we needed to.  Stayed in pajamas.  Used paper plates and ate things like chicken nuggets and pizza. We colored, read books together, took naps and played a lot of video games. We had so many close friends & family drop off meals and enjoyed their visits and encouragement. I didn't pretend everything was perfect, but I also didn't let the struggles take away from all the ways we are so blessed. I cried when I needed to, slept when I could, appreciated all the ways Josh was helping & talked to my friends about the rough days.  I also laughed at myself for the unexplained tears. I took vitamins, and prayed for the emotions that were running through me... The first month was a blur and we blinked and it had already gone by. 

That's the thing with raising kids. They don't last forever either.  Our oldest is already 8 and it seems like just yesterday that it were his cries that were waking us in the night.  I don't want to experience this season feeling overwhelmed or stressed out.  I want to notice and appreciate the little moments in each day and not to let the amount of sleep I got to become the deciding factor in the quality of day that follows.  So I'm drinking coffee, soaking up the Word & making a very intentional point to make the most of it all- even the below zero ones where we are cooped up in the house together! (Oh, and I also give Ledger his milk in a cup with a lid and straw now too!)  

my hands are full but my heart is fuller

Besties vs. Worsties

Fighting

Bickering

Tattling

Name Calling

Rough Housing

Annoying!!

I am up to my eyebrows raising 3 little boys... It is unbelievable to me the fights that break out over a toy,  or a block, or a stick!  (or anything!)  They are crazy competitive, at eachother's throats and have the ability to make me feel like I am totally losing my mind.  The messes they make, the disaster that goes in their wake is unreal.  They battle tempers, raw and wild emotions, jealousy, anger & selfishness.  The things that SCREAM out to me, demand discipline, beg for prayer and take up a lot of our time together.

And then there are the quiet moments

The moments that could easily slip by as I breath a sigh of relief or just try to regroup.  Moments where they are sitting together at the table drawing their favorite superheros.  Moments where they are laying side by side on their bellies looking at the new search and find book from the library.  Moments when they are eachother's greatest defender, protector, best friend.  These type of moments do not scream for attention, or demand me to even notice them... in fact, they are much the opposite.  These moments threaten to slip by unnoticed in all the hecticness of daily life.  These moments must be intentionally sought out- and then I have the choice to let these moments soak deep into my very being.  Seeing glimpses of their true character starting to shine through all the negative bits and pieces that are tempting them at every turn gives me hope.

The fight that doesn't take place because my 7 year old chooses to put his little brother before himself.  The name that isn't called because my hot tempered 5 year old is actively being changed by a Savior that loves him and called him by name!  The bickering that is nipped in the bud because even my 3 year old is learning, little by little, how to be a friend.  These moments are silent and filled to the brim with peace-  these moments are the ones that are SO easy to miss if my only focus is on the fight that took place an hour ago.  The sweet times with these little boys can fade into the shadows if I allow the tattling from the past to hold my attention. 

My goal this year is to notice the moments that would otherwise go unnoticed.  And to uplift these guys in prayer for all the areas that are still a challenge.  I want my perspective to be one with eternal value-  and I want to take the time to notice prayers being answered each time the quiet moments surface.  God began a work in each of their individual lives the very moment they chose to accept Him as their Savior- and I am going to claim the promise that the Word gives: 

What little moments in your life are going by unnoticed today?  

School Year 2012

We homeschool.

I know- a lot of stereotypes probably come to mind as soon as the word "homeschool" is said.  We honestly, probably fit into a lot of those preconceived opinions.  Some, but not all of them.  

Our heart:
We have chosen to homeschool for a few different reasons- the main one being our faith.  I do not see public school as bad, or evil.  In fact- We are very blessed to live in an excellent school district and look forward to when our boys are a bit older and we will plug them into a school that we trust with teachers I not only respect, but who I know have a true heart for the kids they are teaching.  I know my boys will be in caring, loving and well trained hands.  For now though, while they are still in the early years- we feel led to keep them home and teach them not only academics, but also help them grow their own faith and lay a foundation that has roots straight to eternity.  I love being their teacher- it is an inspiration to teach them and watch their eyes light up as they catch onto a new concept.  To be here to see how proud they are when they get words on their spelling quiz right, or to watch them work hard on a project.  I am not quite ready to share the joy of teaching my boys with someone else! 

It isn't always easy, in fact with boys ages 6, 4 and 2 the days can be quite a challenge.  That doesn't discourage me (most days) or make me question our decision to keep them home for now.  A lot of jobs are hard- and a lot of jobs come with challenges a mile long.  I am relying on Christ to give me the strength for the extra hard days, and resting in His grace.  I know that having them home has given us, as a family, endless opportunities to instill a faith that is authentic, applicable to daily life and more valuable than anything else.  Opportunities that may have otherwise been missed.  

I do not feel that every family under the sun should homeschool their kids in order to instill a foundation of faith.  I also do not feel that parents who choose public school are bad, or are neglecting their responsibilities.  I do, however, feel very confident in the fact that for the season of life God has us right now- He is blessing our efforts to homeschool.  I know that by having the boys here- it is growing all of us to rely more deeply on Him, and it is a step of faith to obey what we feel He has asked us to do, knowing that all too soon this season will come to an end and I will be waving goodbye through the school bus window.  I know that He will also be there when we transition to the next phase- and that He will bless our years with public school kiddos too!  

My boys are gifted to my husband and I and we feel blessed to be raising them.  Our prayer is that they will grow up knowing a Savior that will never leave them, that they will learn the power of prayer.  That from an early age they will begin a daily walk with their Lord and become men of courage, integrity, compassion and love.  For the years I have them home, my prayer is that they won't just learn how to read, how to correctly do math and the different parts of sentence structure.  I pray that they will learn about the God who made them, loves them, and has a purpose for their lives that will far out pass any other path they may choose to take.  That they will begin the process of learning how to walk with Christ in a way that effects every moment of their day- not just their eternal destination.  

We are diving into a new school year- with a sense of peace knowing that the time we are investing in these 3 little souls is a very worthwhile investment.  That my job as their mom is one I do not take lightly, and one that gives me great joy!  Weather you are homeschooling, private schooling or public schooling- may this school year be one that matters in the life of your child!  Keep praying for their days- and that they will choose to walk with God wherever they are.  

Get fit for 30- 5 month update

Month 5- behind me. My present and future await. 

This month my weight loss slowed, as I am inching my way towards final goals- toning up and then on to the task and learning process of maintaining.  To date my current progress is a whopping 44 pounds!

Earlier this month I participated in my first 5k.  I proudly walked the 3.3 miles alongside breast cancer fighters & survivors.  

Me, Emily & Missy after finishing our 5K

One family touched my heart, a woman around my age, a baby stroller with a little one strapped snugly inside, her husband by her side… she was a survivor.  I thought about her story and the many others as I walked a glimpse of their world with them on that beautiful morning.  I thought about my own story- so much in this life is unsure- so much isn’t guaranteed.  We aren’t given a card of perfect health, we aren’t promised riches, fame, or no stress.  But, as children of the King, we are promised that His plan is perfect, and even though that does mean challenges with our health, struggles along the way, days that we will feel weary & times when in all honesty we do feel very alone.  The reality is that He is right by our side and when we learn to actively walk our life’s journeys with Him leading us, we get to experience peace in the midst of storms, victories in the middle of challenges and His joy, love and meaning to life that goes deeper than anything this world offers.  Authentic, saving faith.  

This month my weight loss meant I was able to participate in a Sunday morning walk with two of my friends and be reminded in a new way of all that I have to be thankful for.  My life is not perfect.  My kids fight- a lot.  I get overwhelmed.  I fall behind on housework.  I take for granted things and people that should be deeply appreciated & I am ashamed to admit how selfish I can be.  All that in mind- I have a Savior who loves me more than anything, just as I am.  I can never do anything to increase or decrease His perfect unconditional love… I can just accept His perfect offer of grace and soak it up every moment when I once again fall short. 

On to month 6!  Let my story continue to unfold.