Fill myself? Or be filled?

It's a popular saying: Take time to fill yourself, you can't pour from an empty cup.  This bumper sticker slogan is something that echos through the mothering world right now. Although I do get what it's saying... I think it just makes one more checklist item for moms to try to remember, and actually implies that I'm supposed to put myself first- when in fact the Bible is clear that Jesus is to be first in my life.

Right, time for myself. 
Time to refresh.  
Like that's always possible!  

Especially with toddlers running, or babies getting up all night... who can carve out time to glamorously fill ourselves? When we look in the Word, I think the "filling" we need is a deeper one than a manicure or girls night out or time away. It's a daily thing, and even a moment by moment thing, that if we're honest, we often neglect. This type of filling isn't just a checklist item so we can better care for our families-  it's a soul level Jesus filling that we can only get by walking through the trenches and mountain tops of life with Him.  It isn't something we are capable of doing for ourselves, we can't fill us up in the way we need apart from Him.  So what does it look like to be filled when we are walking in an already overflowing FULL and BUSY life? A life where we are needed from sun up to sun down and then all night long too.  A life when early risers beat us out of bed, coughs beckon, messes call, laundry breeds on it's own, meals, dishes, teaching, disciplining, appointments, brushing teeth, scrubbing toilets, meetings, library visits and spending time with our children both demands us and is also a great joy in our lives. Where can we fit in this "filling" and most importantly, what does it even look like?

Early in my mothering years I had this image of what this would look like? Quiet mornings in a peaceful clean house, sitting in my rocking chair with my morning coffee and Bible before the rest of the house was awake. I've found that this isn't usually possible in the real-life version we actually live out! For one thing, in all honesty, the clean house image is typically not reality. lol! I find it hilarious how having children changes our views and expectations on what this gig will actually look like.

But that filling takes place in the intentional... the asking our Savior to be part of our day in and day out chaos and joys.  It's remembering to ask Him into the real-life, and to allow Him to be our strength, our comfort, our reason.  Not something we do once in the morning and then forget about Him for the next 23.75 hours. Or something we think we can be filled with on Sunday mornings and then stay filled for the whole week! It's a Bible verse first thing in the morning, it's being snuggled with by still waking up boys and managing to read the Word.  It's putting on praise music and getting chores done.  It's in the determined and purposeful way we can bring eternal thoughts into the daily challenges. It's bringing Him into the conversations with our little ones and our friends. It's thanking Him for all the blessings that surround us. The verse of truth we cling to when it's all overwhelming us.  It's letting HIM FILL US- so we can walk in obedience to what He has given us for that day.  

It's abandoning myself, and being FULLY AND MORE FOUND THAN I COULD EVER HAVE THOUGHT POSSIBLE IN HIM!!  
and it's glorious.  

I love the way Ephesians 3:19 words it-

and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God

It's a deeper filling than I could ever hope to achieve on my own, and it's lasting, meaningful, gives hope and purpose to all the cracks and crevices in the raw and real.  It's the personal relationship with us that He designed us to crave, the very core of our existence is yearning for this walk with Him.  A manicure, a night out, a shopping spree or "me time" are all great in their own way, but not if those are the things we are looking to to fill our cup.  They are temporary and counterfeit fixes to a deeper need in our lives. We need the real deal and that can only be found in seeking Him. 

Jeremiah 29:11-13
'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.'

The Reality of Postpartum

My sweet friend asked me to write a little of my postpartum story for her mom ministry.  I took a little time to look back and reflect on that chapter 12+ years ago.

I had my first baby after being married for just over 2 years. Married life was amazing up until that point… we were so thrilled to welcome our little boy into the world. What I wasn’t prepared for and had no idea to expect was the postpartum depression that also came crashing into my world. Of all the preparations I made during pregnancy, reading what to expect when you’re expecting, getting the nursery ready, checking garage sales for onesies and jammies, sewing a little quilt, sitting in the rocking chair and day dreaming about life to come… I had no idea the roller-coaster ride of raw, ugly and overwhelming emotions that would follow.

I bonded immediately with my 8 pound 13 ounce healthy in every way little boy. Labor and delivery were exhilarating, I met my goal of no pain medicine and my husband got to help deliver him into the world. In the hospital I really was doing well, I didn’t feel overwhelmed and soaked up all the nurses were teaching me. Ever since I was a little girl I longed for the day I would become a mom, married to a great guy, I was finally living that dream.

We got home and I remember feeling anxiety come crashing in. I had a lot of worries, was I doing this “right”? What if…? I wasn’t handling sleep deprivation well, the thought of company coming over made me completely overwhelmed, nursing was more challenging than I had expected, and I felt completely self-conscious attempting to feed him in the same room as anyone else.

I was one of the first in my group of friends to be a mom so I really didn’t feel safe or comfortable telling anyone how I was struggling in these ways, and assumed, falsely, that I was the only one who had ever gone through a rocky transition. The pregnancy weight didn’t come off, and I had a really negative body image, clothes weren’t fitting right and it was all just so much at once.

I also had been neglecting my Bible reading and that was probably one of the bigger contributors, allowing Satan’s lies to sink in.

“you’re no good at this” 

“everyone else does this better”

I didn’t have truth to combat those lies so those lies really affected me and took root. Some people struggle with bonding with the baby in the midst of this, but for me it really all came out on my marriage instead. My husband took the brunt of my unchecked emotions and all of it very much took a toll on our relationship. We went through our first really really low valley those first few months.

On one especially hard night I packed up a basket of belongings and was honestly ready to walk out and leave him. I felt done. I felt at the end of my rope. Not even because of anything he had done, but because life was suffocating me, and I was living so selfishly. I was overwhelmed with everything. I was listening to lies instead of truths, I was holding it all in and not seeking healthy support or help. I wasn’t trusting anyone with what I was going through and the effects were devastating.

God broke through to me that night and instead of walking out my complete and utter brokenness took a step towards healing. It was a long road of growth, forgiveness, grace and learning to not let my emotions dictate my actions, but progress was real and really noticeable.

Honestly, I didn’t feel that cloud totally lift until I was finished nursing, and with the other 3 babies to follow that pattern stayed somewhat consistent for me. In closing, for anyone reading this thinking you are alone- don’t. For anyone believing lies instead of clinging to truths, take a step today. Talk to someone. Reach out. We are better together.

Full Hands: Full Heart

When I take the boys grocery shopping or am doing errands with all of them in tow it literally never fails that someone says to me, "boy, you sure have your hands full." or "are all of these yours?" These words are not spoken to me in an uplifting or encouraging way, they are always carrying a tone, a weight of an unspoken message. 

Inconvenience. 
Annoyance. 
In the way. 
The opposite of blessing. 

I feel sad, anxious and disheartened everytime it happens. Not because my feelings are so fragile, or because the opinion of a stranger bears a huge amount of impact on me.  But because I've looked into my boys' eyes during or just after the words are spoken. I've come to realize they are vulnerable, expectant and in need of my reassurance in those moments. They are waiting for my reaffirming words of worth, love, value and blessing. So I've learned to respond, "My hands are full, but you should see my heart." or "Aren't they the best helpers, I sure am lucky" The boys often smile at me, and we keep on doing whatever task we were there to do. (Not that it's never stressful while we are out- this is real-life so whatever you imagine it would be like grocery shopping with 4 young boys, it's probably pretty close to accurate)

I was thinking back to earlier this fall I was at the thrift store with a couple of my boys. We were browsing, and nearby notice a young mom who was there with a toddler. He was demanding a toy, which the mom repeatedly told him "no, not today." He kept asking, in tears, in demands, in whines. She calmly continued to say "no." He wasn't taking no for an answer. I could feel her anxiety rising, I could see her overwhelmed eyes because those eyes have been my own eyes many many times. Overwhelmed. Embarrassed. The "Get me outta here look"  I could see the glances of annoyance from other shoppers, from the workers. My heart went out to her. She wasn't giving into her young son's begging demands, she was setting boundaries and teaching in public... which is a least favorite of every mom I've ever known.  It's challenging enough to teach at home, or in private, but to be "on display" in public trying to lead our children is not easy, or fun or enjoyable or anything a mom looks forward to. Short term it is so much easier to just buy the toy. Long term we all know that saying no is really important. So in the moment I felt a little nudge from the Holy Spirit telling me to shoulder up to her, and give her just a bit of encouragement. I stood beside her and just quietly said, "You are doing an amazing job. It's not easy. Hang in there, we all have days like this" I couldn't keep the tears from welling up in my eyes or my voice from cracking, and when our eyes met, she had tears in hers too. One of the employees overheard me and our eyes met, they glanced away quickly but I do wonder what was going through their mind. The last thing this mom needed was someone saying, "you sure have your hands full" someone else rolling their eyes at a child acting childish. She needed a blessing.  Moms need that vote of confidence and for us to embrace motherhood out in public. 

These occurrences remind me of a painting that has hung in our

church's stairwell all my life- I need to learn the history of this painting because it is enormous and beautiful.  It's a full color painting of one of my favorite Bible stories of all time. Jesus surrounded with the children and moms.

I've always loved kids, as a young girl there was nothing better to me than getting together with my younger cousins. I loved the chance to be with babies and toddlers. Their noise did not bother me. Their needs did not overwhelm me, I found joy in playing with them and caring for them. But as a mom, it has become increasingly obvious to me that not everyone views kids with warm fuzzy feelings. They often times find them too loud, too messy, too inconvenient. A disturbance. Even with nice intentions, they can often be treated as an annoyance. I believe it would do us all some good if we can learn something from Jesus' example in this story. The disciples wanted to shoo the children away. Much like the people I shop along side of, or the other people in the thrift store that day, the disciples were inconvenienced by the presence, the time, the energy, perhaps the noise of the kids. I can just picture this, can't you? I love how Jesus stepped in- maybe the disciples thought He would be the voice of authority and set these kids straight and send them on their way. This response gives me goose bumps... He stepped in and hushed the disciples- NOT THE KIDS.

(actually my translation says he was indignant with the disciples!)

in·dig·nant

adjective

1. feeling or showing anger or annoyance at what is perceived as unfair treatment
2. 
   

He took the time to be with the children. To notice them, invest in them and can't you just imagine how He impacted them? He valued them. He laid His hands on them and gave them a blessing. 

I put myself in these mothers' shoes, moms that I'm sure I have much in common with. Moms loving their kids, at times overwhelmed with the demands of motherhood, moms trying their best to teach, even in public places. Moms bringing their children to Jesus. How they must have felt to see the disciples annoyed, not wanting to be bothered by their precious kids. A moms heart hurts when our kids are rejected or not wanted, and the disciples sure were trying to get those kids out of there.  When we are doing our best and getting glares from across the aisle, or getting huffed at for the shear nerve to have our kids with us. Oh how Jesus must have been an encouragement to them just at that moment of rejection. I can picture their eyes welling up with tears. 

Their hands full but their hearts now fuller. That's the effect Jesus has when He enters our moments.  He fills hearts.  

I bet they soaked it in. Jesus' love on their kids, His attention, care and blessing. He certainly impacted more than just a handful of kids that day- He taught us that kids are worth taking the time for. They are worth the extra messes, the extra noise, the extra everything. He loved that group of kids that day, but I know that He also encouraged a mom's heart. We get to choose who we want to be like, the disciples who didn't want to be bothered, or like Jesus.

Motherhood is no easy gig, a mom's heart is one deeply yearning and in need of encouragement. When someone intentionally invests in our kids, it blesses us. When someone reaffirms for us the value of our children it reaffirms much more for us. 

When we are careful of our words, even to a stranger- 

we can become a blessing or a discouragement. 

Mark 10:13-16
People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

Full hands
Full hearts
with the privilege to welcome the little ones and follow Jesus' example 
Hush adults. Lets listen to the children awhile.  

the image of homeschool vs. the reality.

The day had been hard. not like lowercase hard, but like uppercase HARD.  Attitudes sank all my best efforts teaching school, long division wrapped it's nasty tentacles around all of us and pulled us under. Long division for one kid, working on verbs for another... present, past and past participle.  The 3rd wants to go play football in the yard and totally ditch all book work. Mix that with a 3 year old who very much wants to test all boundaries... he is pushing hard for his own way and upon sitting down for dinner after a pretty exhausting day declares "That looks nasty, I'm not eating that"  Oh my.  Why the constant battle? Am I alone here? I don't think I am, but I think sometimes we make the wrong assumption that we are the only ones struggling- or that everyone else has it all figured out or can pull it all off in an effortless way. 

If you picture us merrily singing songs around our table doing school work peacefully in a clean organized home, me with a smile on my face, hair that is actually brushed and generally just having it all together...the boys sitting next to me nicely, totally enthralled with everything I'm teaching them, absolutely LOVING learning,   let me just break that little bubble of lies.  My real-life isn't like that.  Homeschooling is pretty grueling, and although I start everyday before even crawling out of bed or having coffee, literally giving my day to God, asking Him to bless our work, our home and our family... it isn't smooth sailing. Before breakfast ends there is usually spilled milk, someone doesn't like the sogginess of frosted flakes, someone is picking on someone else about something minor, that hits a nerve in some major overreacting way.  Someone needs help finding a pencil, a toothbrush or the cat food. Someone wants to wear shorts even though it's chilly in the house, someone wants their favorite shirt but it's currently on day 4 in the washer, technically having gone through the wash cycle but the familiar smell of mildew is overpowering even the strongest scent detergent from a few days prior. Get the real-life picture.  it's not glamorous. 

We plow our way along through chore lists and devotions.  My prayer being that God would be present in this mess and this chaos, because at the heart of things we really are trying to honor Him in what we are doing.  It isn't pretty, it isn't perfect or even close to perfect, but it certainly IS an act of service.  We teach, and study and laugh and honestly sometimes cry.  But when the subjects get marked off one by one, we learn and we grow and we bond more than we probably realize.  I love having all four of them home... Not that everyday I literally love it... somedays I hate it, but when all is said and done I'm grateful for this opportunity, because in the middle of tears and joy we aren't just growing in knowledge that comes from textbooks but I, for real, have a front row seat to watching these little men grow in their knowledge of the Lord and in their relationships with Him.  I have had the privilege to hear the word sounded out after trying and trying and trying to read it.  I have had the privilege to see a heart of true repentance over an attitude, or some other sin struggle.  I have been humbled to ask their forgiveness over my own attitude. I've answered questions through a Biblical worldview during every single subject studied and I know that is laying for them a foundation to continue building on. (that's the big picture goal that honestly fuels my desire to keep at this- it makes my heart soar to think I am give them a Biblical view of science & history?!) This is raw, and ugly and beautiful and glorious all wrapped up and I get to be part of this.  God has asked me to teach my boys, my husband has entrusted this HUGE job to me, and the boys have walked this road with me day after day, year after year.  Looking back it is the hardest, awesomest thing we've ever taken on!  It thrills me!  It overwhelms me and has taught me in such authentic rubber hits the road ways how God truly is our strength for what our days hold.  Not just knowing that in my mind, but knowing it because I've experienced it!

I think I have just a little glimpse of God's love for us, His children, in a better focused way because just like I choose to spend the messy, hard, exhausting days with my kiddos. He wants to be present with us through life's journeys too.  He loves us, and isn't trying to ditch us, pass us off or ignore our temper tantrums over minor things that someone said to us.  He genuinely cares. He cares enough to want to do DAILY with us.  He doesn't just want special occasion events with us, He actually chooses to do the grueling right along side of us. We all know that to do daily life with someone is a whole different level than any other kind of relationship.  What happens between 4 walls and a roof is as real as real-life can be... and He longs for this kind of friendship with each of us. It is something I take forgranted, much like I take forgranted these years schooling all my boys.  

Life is a blink, a vapor... get real. Live real-life, be authentic! 

Gratitude is a choice

Holidays can bring chaos, schedules maxed out, different expectations, trying to balance and juggle and prioritize people you love.  Relate?! Pretty sure you can because this is normal!

3 intentional things I've practiced this year have helped me keep a good perspective and be able to enjoy. 

First, be on the same page with your spouse, easier said than done at times, but SO helpful when you aren't taking out stress on eachother. communicate, listen, compromise, appreciate and repeat. 

Second, be present where you are.  I know I can't do it all, be in all places, say yes to everything... so what I do put on the calendar matters to us and I will put my best into it.  Don't over book everyday if you can help it. Say no to some things so your yes to others can be better followed through with. Then be present. If I have a house full of cousins I wanna enjoy them, not be multitasking or sweeping or food prepping. Be present. Engage. Connect. 

Turn Off Your Phone

The third thing is to choose a grateful heart, you know it IS thanksgiving and all... Seems like actually being thankful can be pushed on the back burner this time of year, ironic huh? This afternoon my guys headed out for their annual hunting shack night with my dad, brother and nephews... after their blaze orange drove away I settled in with a writing prompt.  

A hot cup of coffee, a spice scented candle and a little of my fav. chocolate helped. Filling this page only took a handful of minutes, but it was really good for my soul. Seeing all these things that I DO have to be thankful for, sitting there staring back at me; Then following with some time of prayer thanking the One from whom all good things come. Now I'm ready for Thanksgiving starting at my heart, real-life and all.

      

When God answers our prayers with "No"

When God says "No"

We are praying for something, earnestly. faithfully we ask God for this plan, this healing, this door to open.  We give our best effort to walk by faith, and to trust.  And as worry or anxiety seep in we keep giving it back to God and asking for peace, for direction and wisdom.  He answers those prayers, not in the way we hoped or asked... but in a firm "No".  What then?  

I think this is something we all can relate to in different ways.  Some ways are minor, some more foundational.  What does our faith do when it's shaken like that? When life feels like it's picked right up, turned upside down and shaken to the core? Where is our anchor when life is a little more real than we would like, a little more difficult, a LOT more challenging.  Even more devastating, heartbreaking, disappointing, painful.  Where is God when life is raw.  Where is He when suffering about snuffs the life right out of us?

First we need to keep in mind that the world we live in is broken.  Because we are surrounded by sin and the effects of sin, this world is never going to be the easy ride we would sometimes wish it would be.  We aren't promised a pain free life, in fact, Christians are promised the opposite.  (I know, super encouraging right?)  One of my favorite verses is John 16:33... I love the way it takes real-life and shifts the perspective to where our hope can take root.  

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."

God isn't promising peace in this world-  He is promising peace in HIM. Then we are promised trouble.  He isn't trying to blind side us when life gets hard, He is preparing us for the hardship we all will face in a million different forms.  Should we be shocked, surprised or depressed when trouble comes? Not if we are prepared with the right perspective.  We can take courage, because our hope doesn't rest on this side of eternity... it rests IN eternity.  Jesus has overcome the world, and all the sin, brokenness, pain this world brings.  He holds the VICTORY!  

Secondly we need to remind ourselves that prayer doesn't make God our own personal wish granter-  but rather my prayers should be to align myself to HIS will... not the other way around.  I don't see the big picture like He does. and honestly, I don't know what is best the way He knows what is best.  Looking back at my life I am very thankful for some of the closed doors God gave me, although at the time it felt totally awful.  That door shutting sometimes stretched me more than what's comfortable.  And in those really difficult times God was nearby.  I was never abandoned the way my emotions wanted me to believe.  I was never forgotten.  His ways are not my ways, To His Glory! 

How can you use the hard things to light up darkness? How can you glorify Him with your redemption story? How can you learn and grow and root out that bitterness that is constantly tempting you to take root. These are questions worth giving some thought.  We will all face tribulation, we are promised that.  Where does our HOPE rest?  

So today, if the answer is "No"... today, take heart, because He has overcome the world!  

Smoke Alarms and Perspective

We had a pretty normal start to our Friday, we were chipping away at the end of week school subjects. I was working on English with Ledger when I heard the smoke alarms both upstairs and downstairs go off.  My 9 year old's room was hazy and smelled of burnt plastic. I knew something wasn't okay, but I couldn't find the source of the smoke.  The breaker in that section of the house kicked off. I called my husband at work to come home, and the boys and I all exited the house to wait.  

Emergencies do something to our nerves.  I was calm and a wreck all wrapped into one.  I couldn't help but think if it had been the middle of the night, how scary that alarm would be for my boys (& me!)

Josh got home and after looking for the source found our dehumidifier overheating and was actually starting to melt. The inside was charred, and I know could have caught fire.  We are all safe. Our home is fine. No harm done other than we need to replace the appliance. 

But I'm left with all of this. The what if's. The almosts. The could have beens. The images of my boys asleep in that room.  The God who I can trust, through life's close calls, and also life's tragedies.  God isn't more loving today when the outcome was what I would have picked than He would be if the outcome was complete devastation. Because God protected us today doesn't mean we are more in His favor than the family who is suffering total loss, or heartbreaking tragedy.  God doesn't change.  He IS love in both outcomes.  Life on earth holds devastation because it is broken.   

This verse has been meaning a lot to me lately for many reasons, and today I was reminded once again how little this life here on earth guarantees. We are not promised tomorrow.  We only have right now.  

James 4:14New American Standard Bible (NASB)

14 [a]Yet you do not know [b]what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.

A life that hardly has a chance to begin and is snatched back to Glory- or the life that reaches the century mark and every single age in-between- ALL life here on earth is so tiny, so brief... Just a vapor compared to Eternity.  What will we do with that perspective? Are we confident in our eternal destination? We can be. The promises in the Bible and the free gift of Salvation through faith in Jesus' work on the cross can be the anchor of hope in a very tragedy, emergency filled life on earth. If today would have ended in my vapor of a life being over, I have complete confidence in where I would be... not one bit because of who I am, anything I've done or not done, it has nothing to do with who I know, how I spend my time or anything I could have possibly ever earned.  My Eternity is secure because Jesus offered to pay my ransom, He loved me so deeply that He wanted to rescue me. He is offering you the same! That gift, that GRACE, that place He took for me is my promise. It can be yours too- take some time to reflect on your vapor of a life... and where your hope is placed. 

It is well with my soul tonight when we are all safe, and my soul would be well if we were enduring heartbreak.  He goes before me and beside me.

Fear& Faith

Fear

This is forefront on my mind this week.  We had an eerie visitor yesterday afternoon.  We live in a very wooded area, to our east we have a swamp and a small creek.  The highway is to our south.  It was early in the afternoon, we had really just came back inside after playing in a beautiful fall day. I was getting our youngest down for a nap when my 9 year old ran into the room saying, "mom, I saw a man" not really thinking too much of it I assumed he saw someone walking on the highway, we often do.  But when he restated what he saw I caught the urgency in his voice and knew this was different. That's when something triggered in me and protection mode kicked in.  I ensured all house doors were locked and secure.  The scene he told me gave me goose bumps.  A man exited the woods onto our east lawn, only about 15 feet from our house, he was taking intentional deliberate steps right towards the patio door that was unlocked, looking straight towards the house when he suddenly turned and ran, Ryder described it as an Olympic runner.  He sprinted out of here.  He had paid attention and was able to give a description that we could give the police when we called it in.  My dad was here in a few minutes, my husband not long after and the police came and spent a handful of hours making sure we were safe, talking with neighbors and patrolling the area.  They found nothing.  

So nothing is found, yet there is this traumatic event we need to deal with the aftermath.  Truths, we are all safe. No one was injured or even necessarily in danger. I do not know the man's intentions, but I do know he was where he did NOT belong, he was walking very intentionally right towards my home, and he was not welcome here.  I will likely never have a followup of this occurrence, I won't have closure. So how do I deal with the fried nerves or feelings of uneasiness? What do I do with the fact that the secure feeling I'm accustom to having is suddenly interrupted.

I can choose to focus on the what-if's? There are many.  What could have happened....  

Or I can choose to focus on the One in charge of our today and all of our tomorrows.  This is where peace reigns.  I do not know God's plan for the days ahead, I am not promised protection from all harm, from all the bad things in this world.  I am not promised a life without tragedy, or events that shake us to the core.  But I DO know the One who has designed my life- He knows every day and every moment. He knows my life plan, and the plan for my boys' lives too, because He ordained it. He goes before me and beside me.  I can TRUST HIM.  I can claim peace even in circumstances that aren't peaceful, because this isn't a peace that circumstances get to determine.  This is a peace that is inward, at soul level.  I can give all that anxiety, all that worry over to God and choose to walk by faith.  I'm choosing this, I'm not letting emotions or fears control. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. 

It is well with my soul.  Even if that's a mindset, and a heart-set, I need to continually choose. SO when standing face to face with the choice of fear or faith, I'm working on choosing faith. 

Homeschool kick off year 8!

Someone asked me how I can be a supporter of both homeschool and public school... I've been thinking about it this week. A few conclusions: I have confidence in our decision for this season of raising kids, I know we are doing what works for us. Therefore I'm not living for your approval; I'm not doing this to impress or gain status. I've got nothing to prove other than we're choosing this (because it's our choice to make) and aren't worried what other people think whether good or bad.  

BUT I also have confidence and support for your decisions, even and especially if they are different from mine! I support families, and raising kids IS NOT a competition. We can add richness and perspective to eachother's lives by encouraging and supporting, not in comparing. Each path holds its benefits and challenges. What a gift we can bring to relationships if we can learn to be a life giving source of support, encouragement and a different perspective. We can add new possibilities, enhearten through the challenges, and celebrate together the complete joys each path holds! You don't need my approval, but I'm wholeheartedly giving it.

🏫🚸🚌📚🏡

School on families, school on!!! Hope it's a great year no matter how you're doing it!!! And in the spirit at trying this NON COMPETITION raising kids, what's your FAVORITE part of the path you're choosing? Mine right now is having the privilege to teach a new concept and see their minds click as they catch on.  

When the idol of sleep gave me the green light to sin

Motherhood and sleep deprivation go hand in hand. I "knew" this before I became a mom, but I didn't realize what it actually feels like to experience in real time. I looked forward to middle of the night tending to my newborn, and when setting up the nursery I remember sitting in the rocking chair with that deep longing to hold that babe in my arms. Truth is, I didn't mind so much the actual tending to the baby part, but the effects of night after night of very interrupted sleep was more wearing than I realized possible.  

We moms have this thing, we get together and catch up... a very common topic being a badge we wear about being tired. Almost a tone of bragging. We ARE tired so we get together and talk about how tired we are, we listen with our head tilted sympathetically to the side, nodding in agreement, to how tired our mom friends are while sipping coffee and feeling run down. Busy and tired. The top go-to topics in any mom circle. I laugh when writing this because I wonder how many people I have told over the years just how tired I am. "how are you?" 

"So. Tired."

My friend first challenged this pattern of thinking in her own characteristically sweet way one day by just responding to the routine question on "how's the baby sleeping?" with a very uncommon answer... "Oh, you know... well, I stopped expecting sleep" Or something along those lines.

Wait, what?  (gasp!) Sleep is this thing we all work towards, we all look forward to... we all strive for! and you stopped expecting it? What does that even mean?!  

The sleep idol.  This was a biggie (really) in my home.  Partly because it's not like sleep is a need or anything (note sarcasm) we need sleep to live, function, recharge and survive. So how can a real need become a real idol in my life? Well, it crossed the boundary from a need into idol territory when I allowed it to dictate my following day: my mood, my emotions and my behavior. Night before I was interrupted 3 times, cue selfish attitude, green light to be grumpy, my crutch to allowing the following day to be bad, because after all, "I was sooooo tired" 

me. me. me. 
idol. idol. idol.

Lack of sleep, being really really tired, not feeling my best, is NOT a green light for selfish actions. I don't get to be a grumpy mom just because I didn't get a certain number of perfect, preferred sleep hours. IDOL=SIN

Her gentle way of speaking to this issue (and she probably didn't even realize it at the time) really was used by the Holy Spirit in my life to do some convicting, and launched my "fake it in faith" morning routine. I didn't FEEL top notch, I didn't feel rested or recharged or good to start my days after pulling all night hours with little ones. The sin nature in me wanted to use it as an excuse that I had quite the pattern to green lighting myself grump status. The selfish side in me was TIRED. To take down this idol I had to break some pretty set in place habits (SIN).  I started a catch phrase that I would repeat to myself those mornings... "fake it in faith" what it really boiled down to was I was determined to take those actions captive, those attitudes, emotions and feelings that had overtaken so so many mornings and really truly repent... They weren't going to dictate anymore.  In faith I would smile at the boys, and give them a genuine "good morning, how are you today?" In faith I would meet their needs of snuggles, breakfast, sock finder, fight resolver, milk spill cleaner-upper, and attention giver without being a jerk. In faith I would read the Word for a true source of strength and give my day to God no matter how I felt. The sleep idol was torn the heck down. 

And you know what, looking back at this period of time where I committed to using God's strength and victory the cross offers us, I really saw His hand of faithfulness.  He took my "in faith" choices and started to work on my raw and real underlying feelings.  He took my choice to do what was right even when I seriously didn't feel like it, and He changed me at the heart of things.  He used my "fake it in faith" mornings and honestly reprogrammed my emotions, He helped me submit my green lights to sin, and gave me the strength, grace and ability to do it differently. and to actually BE different.

Do you wear the "tired badge" proudly?  Has this tired mom thing stepped into idol ground? Take notice. Take action. Fake it in faith, and see how God works!  

The Glamour of Wedding Vows

Marriage

Happily Ever After
Riding off into the sunset
Bliss
Companionship
Romance

As a young girl the image of what a marriage relationship would look like was formed by our culture- by Hollywood, by marriages I looked up to. It isn't that these dreams of what I would one day experience and live out were 100% wrong, I am married to a great man who I deeply respect. He has been faithful, is an excellent dad to our boys, loved me unconditionally and has weathered ups and downs alongside of me through the years. But I wasn't prepared for how hard marriage is in real-life. Until you are in the thick of it, you really can't grasp the challenges a relationship will face, how life will press in hard on all sides and try to choke the life out of your relationship. Pressures from work, school, taking care of a home, car and yard maintenance, PARENTING, schedules, balancing it all. And the ever present but sometimes far too ignored spiritual battles that go on in a home; there is an enemy who wants to destroy us. It's not easy, and over the years we've had patterns of living more like peaceful roommates than that deeper connection of husband and wife that we dream of. We've had seasons of storms, and deserts. But marriage is GOOD, I know this because God created it. He made for Adam a help-meet, and said Eve was in fact not just good but very good. He created the blessing of intimacy that comes with a marriage relationship, He created us with different needs that when we put the other first can be met. He created marriage to draw us closer to eachother and I truly believe to draw us closer to Him as well. So real-life marriage isn't the same as a Hollywood movie, but it IS such a blessing to live out in real-life.  

To take someone for better or for worse, in sickness and health, richer or poorer, as long as you both shall live seemed almost glamorous when those vows were spoken on our wedding day almost 14 years ago. I'll never forget the actual rawness of our first real "worse" we weathered together- how it almost took the breath out of you how hard those storms can be. The glamour was gone and what was glaring in our face was two selfish people trying to work together as one.  It was about as unnatural as could be! We didn't think the same, we didn't respond or communicate the same, we didn't have the same priorities, or emotions or even expectations.  But we DID have the same foundation- we built our marriage on Jesus, and what has shown itself time and time and time again over the years, is that having that common ground, that solid Rock we are building our life upon IS ENOUGH. And not just enough, but is what really matters. It doesn't make everything easy, but it is what makes it possible. Establishing our marriage, our home, our family on Him has been the best decision we as a couple have ever made and one that we've never regretted.  He is the strength to get us through, He is the wisdom, the balm of forgiveness, the joy that comes. He is the love that is far far greater than any love we could muster up on our own. He is what has made this marriage work. He is our courage, our eternal perspective, our peace in the storm. He gives us Living Water when we are in a desert chapter. As we continue to grow in our faith, we continue to give Him glory in all the ways we can look back over the years and see His faithful hand at work in us. We are thankful! I am humbled and awestruck to see the miracles He has worked! Being married to this man of God is really good!   

So if your marriage is rocky, I encourage you to look at your

I promise to keep
standing firm

foundation and see if it's built on The Rock. If your relationship is feeling a little too suffocating, I challenge you to turn to the one who Breaths in the breath of Life.  If you are feeling restless or discontent, I'm telling you to replace those emotions with thankfulness. Serve a little more, love a little harder, laugh a little longer, pour out more grace, and let the natural mountain tops and valleys be a journey you continue to embark on together. Vows fleshed out aren't nearly as glamorous as when they were spoken on your wedding day, but how incredible it is to get through a time of "worse" and realize you're back in a time of "better" again, having grown through the challenges, and are now stronger. Your foundation never once faltering.  

A wise man builds his house upon a rock and the rains came down and the floods came up but the house on the rock stands firm.

Stand firm.  

Floods in life and The Living Water

This week we had some major storms move through our area- a tornado demolished an entire section of homes not far West of us, extremely large hail (baseball size reported) caused damage to buildings and vehicles, and the rain just kept coming.  Strong wind knocked down trees and took out powerlines in widespread areas. We weren't effected as badly as some, but our power was out. The duel combination of no power and heavy heavy rain, we were at risk for flooding.  My husband was out of town for work, so I was trying my best to handle the situation on my own-  Lugging out 5 gallon buckets of water from my basement couldn't keep up with how rapidly both of the sump pump tanks were filling. I was unable to handle the situation so I called for help.  My dad, who lives not far from us, hauled over his generator and got it started. Once connected to its source of power, the sump pump could function to do it's job, it started pumping out the water from the basement. We caught it in time, we acted quickly and with urgency and prevented it from becoming a much much worse situation with much more damage to our home.  

The rain has stopped, puddles are slowly going down, the concrete is drying out. As I reflect over the past few days, I can't help but feel relieved it's over and grateful for the help that I was able to get. I also can't help but look to the bigger picture- it's always there, but I don't always make the connection. Taking the time to make this connection really helps my perspective with the real-life situations we all face.  It helps me process it all, cope in a healthier way and also fixes my eyes on Eternity, where my hope is anchored securely.

In the basement of my home we were fighting the flood waters, we were pulling a late night, battling the storm and getting the damaging water out of my home.  We worked hard. My back and shoulders feel the strain of the 5 gallon buckets I hauled. Upstairs in my home we didn't have power, so that meant no running water, no flushing toilets, no washing hands, doing dishes, or having fresh water to drink.  The same storm - 2 different problems on both ends of the spectrum.  Water that we needed to get out absolutely as soon as possible, and water we needed to live; water to sustain us.  

I know there are areas of my life, looking back through the years and also presently that flood waters came rushing in, flood waters that in reality were and are sin. I need to get that damaging water out. It came in the form of bad decisions and continual bad choices, unforgiveness, a bad attitude, how I react in moments of stress (this one is really something I keep dealing with)... the list could literally never end. If left alone, if ignored or justified or even just "hidden", the flood would keep rising. The damage would take place. Even the smallest amount of flood water has the potential if left undealt with to cause problems. I called my earthly dad in for reinforcement in my emergency during the storm, but we also have a Heavenly Father who alone is capable of bringing in the necessary tools, the machinery, the knowledge far greater than our own to enable us to deal with sin in our life. He alone has the "Power Source" that can offer forgiveness of that sin. Complete and total forgiveness that not only can get the flood waters out, but can restore us and make us new.  Those floods of sin left un-taken-care-of will destroy us. They rob us of the present, and effect the future. They will crush our joy, wreck our relationships, wipe out our purpose. Wash away the reason we're here. Water left to rise in a basement would eventually destroy the entire building, mold would grow and it would become a contaminated place to live. Sin is much the same, even if we think "it's not really effecting anything" even if we believe that lie or justify the situation, or think it's hidden, the damage IS taking place.  We need to treat sin with urgency and in order to do that we need to connect to the life giving power source of Jesus, who alone is able. But not just able, He is available & willing.

During this storm I also needed the life giving water to drink, to cook and wash and clean.  Just like we need water to live here on earth, even more desperately we need The Living Water.  In John 4:14 Jesus is speaking and says,

"whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life"

How our life literally depends on this Living Water- on the work Jesus did on the cross that was, is and will forever be, the only sacrifice offered that can forgive sin. Our eternal destination is hinged on our response to the free gift He is offering us. Just like most would consider it foolish if I would have denied my Dad's offer to come help, his offer to rescue, to bring over his power source that could get the job done. Foolish! How much more foolish is it if we deny the gift Jesus is offering each and every one of us. But how incredible that it doesn't end there, He isn't just out to save us for eternity (as if that wouldn't be enough to offer!) He loves us so completely, so thoroughly and FULLY, that He even wants to come along shoulder to shoulder with us through each and every storm we face in life, and help us with those too.  The small ones like we face everyday, and the HUGE ones that threaten to wipe us out. We are't facing any of it alone when we make the decision to do life with the Life Giver, the only TRUE power source that exists! My heart is completely overjoyed!

Thank you for taking the time to read, 
                Blessings, Stef