Full Hands: Full Heart

When I take the boys grocery shopping or am doing errands with all of them in tow it literally never fails that someone says to me, "boy, you sure have your hands full." or "are all of these yours?" These words are not spoken to me in an uplifting or encouraging way, they are always carrying a tone, a weight of an unspoken message. 

Inconvenience. 
Annoyance. 
In the way. 
The opposite of blessing. 

I feel sad, anxious and disheartened everytime it happens. Not because my feelings are so fragile, or because the opinion of a stranger bears a huge amount of impact on me.  But because I've looked into my boys' eyes during or just after the words are spoken. I've come to realize they are vulnerable, expectant and in need of my reassurance in those moments. They are waiting for my reaffirming words of worth, love, value and blessing. So I've learned to respond, "My hands are full, but you should see my heart." or "Aren't they the best helpers, I sure am lucky" The boys often smile at me, and we keep on doing whatever task we were there to do. (Not that it's never stressful while we are out- this is real-life so whatever you imagine it would be like grocery shopping with 4 young boys, it's probably pretty close to accurate)

I was thinking back to earlier this fall I was at the thrift store with a couple of my boys. We were browsing, and nearby notice a young mom who was there with a toddler. He was demanding a toy, which the mom repeatedly told him "no, not today." He kept asking, in tears, in demands, in whines. She calmly continued to say "no." He wasn't taking no for an answer. I could feel her anxiety rising, I could see her overwhelmed eyes because those eyes have been my own eyes many many times. Overwhelmed. Embarrassed. The "Get me outta here look"  I could see the glances of annoyance from other shoppers, from the workers. My heart went out to her. She wasn't giving into her young son's begging demands, she was setting boundaries and teaching in public... which is a least favorite of every mom I've ever known.  It's challenging enough to teach at home, or in private, but to be "on display" in public trying to lead our children is not easy, or fun or enjoyable or anything a mom looks forward to. Short term it is so much easier to just buy the toy. Long term we all know that saying no is really important. So in the moment I felt a little nudge from the Holy Spirit telling me to shoulder up to her, and give her just a bit of encouragement. I stood beside her and just quietly said, "You are doing an amazing job. It's not easy. Hang in there, we all have days like this" I couldn't keep the tears from welling up in my eyes or my voice from cracking, and when our eyes met, she had tears in hers too. One of the employees overheard me and our eyes met, they glanced away quickly but I do wonder what was going through their mind. The last thing this mom needed was someone saying, "you sure have your hands full" someone else rolling their eyes at a child acting childish. She needed a blessing.  Moms need that vote of confidence and for us to embrace motherhood out in public. 

These occurrences remind me of a painting that has hung in our

church's stairwell all my life- I need to learn the history of this painting because it is enormous and beautiful.  It's a full color painting of one of my favorite Bible stories of all time. Jesus surrounded with the children and moms.

I've always loved kids, as a young girl there was nothing better to me than getting together with my younger cousins. I loved the chance to be with babies and toddlers. Their noise did not bother me. Their needs did not overwhelm me, I found joy in playing with them and caring for them. But as a mom, it has become increasingly obvious to me that not everyone views kids with warm fuzzy feelings. They often times find them too loud, too messy, too inconvenient. A disturbance. Even with nice intentions, they can often be treated as an annoyance. I believe it would do us all some good if we can learn something from Jesus' example in this story. The disciples wanted to shoo the children away. Much like the people I shop along side of, or the other people in the thrift store that day, the disciples were inconvenienced by the presence, the time, the energy, perhaps the noise of the kids. I can just picture this, can't you? I love how Jesus stepped in- maybe the disciples thought He would be the voice of authority and set these kids straight and send them on their way. This response gives me goose bumps... He stepped in and hushed the disciples- NOT THE KIDS.

(actually my translation says he was indignant with the disciples!)

in·dig·nant

adjective

1. feeling or showing anger or annoyance at what is perceived as unfair treatment
2. 
   

He took the time to be with the children. To notice them, invest in them and can't you just imagine how He impacted them? He valued them. He laid His hands on them and gave them a blessing. 

I put myself in these mothers' shoes, moms that I'm sure I have much in common with. Moms loving their kids, at times overwhelmed with the demands of motherhood, moms trying their best to teach, even in public places. Moms bringing their children to Jesus. How they must have felt to see the disciples annoyed, not wanting to be bothered by their precious kids. A moms heart hurts when our kids are rejected or not wanted, and the disciples sure were trying to get those kids out of there.  When we are doing our best and getting glares from across the aisle, or getting huffed at for the shear nerve to have our kids with us. Oh how Jesus must have been an encouragement to them just at that moment of rejection. I can picture their eyes welling up with tears. 

Their hands full but their hearts now fuller. That's the effect Jesus has when He enters our moments.  He fills hearts.  

I bet they soaked it in. Jesus' love on their kids, His attention, care and blessing. He certainly impacted more than just a handful of kids that day- He taught us that kids are worth taking the time for. They are worth the extra messes, the extra noise, the extra everything. He loved that group of kids that day, but I know that He also encouraged a mom's heart. We get to choose who we want to be like, the disciples who didn't want to be bothered, or like Jesus.

Motherhood is no easy gig, a mom's heart is one deeply yearning and in need of encouragement. When someone intentionally invests in our kids, it blesses us. When someone reaffirms for us the value of our children it reaffirms much more for us. 

When we are careful of our words, even to a stranger- 

we can become a blessing or a discouragement. 

Mark 10:13-16
People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

Full hands
Full hearts
with the privilege to welcome the little ones and follow Jesus' example 
Hush adults. Lets listen to the children awhile.  

the image of homeschool vs. the reality.

The day had been hard. not like lowercase hard, but like uppercase HARD.  Attitudes sank all my best efforts teaching school, long division wrapped it's nasty tentacles around all of us and pulled us under. Long division for one kid, working on verbs for another... present, past and past participle.  The 3rd wants to go play football in the yard and totally ditch all book work. Mix that with a 3 year old who very much wants to test all boundaries... he is pushing hard for his own way and upon sitting down for dinner after a pretty exhausting day declares "That looks nasty, I'm not eating that"  Oh my.  Why the constant battle? Am I alone here? I don't think I am, but I think sometimes we make the wrong assumption that we are the only ones struggling- or that everyone else has it all figured out or can pull it all off in an effortless way. 

If you picture us merrily singing songs around our table doing school work peacefully in a clean organized home, me with a smile on my face, hair that is actually brushed and generally just having it all together...the boys sitting next to me nicely, totally enthralled with everything I'm teaching them, absolutely LOVING learning,   let me just break that little bubble of lies.  My real-life isn't like that.  Homeschooling is pretty grueling, and although I start everyday before even crawling out of bed or having coffee, literally giving my day to God, asking Him to bless our work, our home and our family... it isn't smooth sailing. Before breakfast ends there is usually spilled milk, someone doesn't like the sogginess of frosted flakes, someone is picking on someone else about something minor, that hits a nerve in some major overreacting way.  Someone needs help finding a pencil, a toothbrush or the cat food. Someone wants to wear shorts even though it's chilly in the house, someone wants their favorite shirt but it's currently on day 4 in the washer, technically having gone through the wash cycle but the familiar smell of mildew is overpowering even the strongest scent detergent from a few days prior. Get the real-life picture.  it's not glamorous. 

We plow our way along through chore lists and devotions.  My prayer being that God would be present in this mess and this chaos, because at the heart of things we really are trying to honor Him in what we are doing.  It isn't pretty, it isn't perfect or even close to perfect, but it certainly IS an act of service.  We teach, and study and laugh and honestly sometimes cry.  But when the subjects get marked off one by one, we learn and we grow and we bond more than we probably realize.  I love having all four of them home... Not that everyday I literally love it... somedays I hate it, but when all is said and done I'm grateful for this opportunity, because in the middle of tears and joy we aren't just growing in knowledge that comes from textbooks but I, for real, have a front row seat to watching these little men grow in their knowledge of the Lord and in their relationships with Him.  I have had the privilege to hear the word sounded out after trying and trying and trying to read it.  I have had the privilege to see a heart of true repentance over an attitude, or some other sin struggle.  I have been humbled to ask their forgiveness over my own attitude. I've answered questions through a Biblical worldview during every single subject studied and I know that is laying for them a foundation to continue building on. (that's the big picture goal that honestly fuels my desire to keep at this- it makes my heart soar to think I am give them a Biblical view of science & history?!) This is raw, and ugly and beautiful and glorious all wrapped up and I get to be part of this.  God has asked me to teach my boys, my husband has entrusted this HUGE job to me, and the boys have walked this road with me day after day, year after year.  Looking back it is the hardest, awesomest thing we've ever taken on!  It thrills me!  It overwhelms me and has taught me in such authentic rubber hits the road ways how God truly is our strength for what our days hold.  Not just knowing that in my mind, but knowing it because I've experienced it!

I think I have just a little glimpse of God's love for us, His children, in a better focused way because just like I choose to spend the messy, hard, exhausting days with my kiddos. He wants to be present with us through life's journeys too.  He loves us, and isn't trying to ditch us, pass us off or ignore our temper tantrums over minor things that someone said to us.  He genuinely cares. He cares enough to want to do DAILY with us.  He doesn't just want special occasion events with us, He actually chooses to do the grueling right along side of us. We all know that to do daily life with someone is a whole different level than any other kind of relationship.  What happens between 4 walls and a roof is as real as real-life can be... and He longs for this kind of friendship with each of us. It is something I take forgranted, much like I take forgranted these years schooling all my boys.  

Life is a blink, a vapor... get real. Live real-life, be authentic! 

When the idol of sleep gave me the green light to sin

Motherhood and sleep deprivation go hand in hand. I "knew" this before I became a mom, but I didn't realize what it actually feels like to experience in real time. I looked forward to middle of the night tending to my newborn, and when setting up the nursery I remember sitting in the rocking chair with that deep longing to hold that babe in my arms. Truth is, I didn't mind so much the actual tending to the baby part, but the effects of night after night of very interrupted sleep was more wearing than I realized possible.  

We moms have this thing, we get together and catch up... a very common topic being a badge we wear about being tired. Almost a tone of bragging. We ARE tired so we get together and talk about how tired we are, we listen with our head tilted sympathetically to the side, nodding in agreement, to how tired our mom friends are while sipping coffee and feeling run down. Busy and tired. The top go-to topics in any mom circle. I laugh when writing this because I wonder how many people I have told over the years just how tired I am. "how are you?" 

"So. Tired."

My friend first challenged this pattern of thinking in her own characteristically sweet way one day by just responding to the routine question on "how's the baby sleeping?" with a very uncommon answer... "Oh, you know... well, I stopped expecting sleep" Or something along those lines.

Wait, what?  (gasp!) Sleep is this thing we all work towards, we all look forward to... we all strive for! and you stopped expecting it? What does that even mean?!  

The sleep idol.  This was a biggie (really) in my home.  Partly because it's not like sleep is a need or anything (note sarcasm) we need sleep to live, function, recharge and survive. So how can a real need become a real idol in my life? Well, it crossed the boundary from a need into idol territory when I allowed it to dictate my following day: my mood, my emotions and my behavior. Night before I was interrupted 3 times, cue selfish attitude, green light to be grumpy, my crutch to allowing the following day to be bad, because after all, "I was sooooo tired" 

me. me. me. 
idol. idol. idol.

Lack of sleep, being really really tired, not feeling my best, is NOT a green light for selfish actions. I don't get to be a grumpy mom just because I didn't get a certain number of perfect, preferred sleep hours. IDOL=SIN

Her gentle way of speaking to this issue (and she probably didn't even realize it at the time) really was used by the Holy Spirit in my life to do some convicting, and launched my "fake it in faith" morning routine. I didn't FEEL top notch, I didn't feel rested or recharged or good to start my days after pulling all night hours with little ones. The sin nature in me wanted to use it as an excuse that I had quite the pattern to green lighting myself grump status. The selfish side in me was TIRED. To take down this idol I had to break some pretty set in place habits (SIN).  I started a catch phrase that I would repeat to myself those mornings... "fake it in faith" what it really boiled down to was I was determined to take those actions captive, those attitudes, emotions and feelings that had overtaken so so many mornings and really truly repent... They weren't going to dictate anymore.  In faith I would smile at the boys, and give them a genuine "good morning, how are you today?" In faith I would meet their needs of snuggles, breakfast, sock finder, fight resolver, milk spill cleaner-upper, and attention giver without being a jerk. In faith I would read the Word for a true source of strength and give my day to God no matter how I felt. The sleep idol was torn the heck down. 

And you know what, looking back at this period of time where I committed to using God's strength and victory the cross offers us, I really saw His hand of faithfulness.  He took my "in faith" choices and started to work on my raw and real underlying feelings.  He took my choice to do what was right even when I seriously didn't feel like it, and He changed me at the heart of things.  He used my "fake it in faith" mornings and honestly reprogrammed my emotions, He helped me submit my green lights to sin, and gave me the strength, grace and ability to do it differently. and to actually BE different.

Do you wear the "tired badge" proudly?  Has this tired mom thing stepped into idol ground? Take notice. Take action. Fake it in faith, and see how God works!  

From behind a couch to living in His strength.

Let me describe for you a day that was a turning point for me... it was back 6 1/2 years ago, when I had 3 boys, ages 4, almost 2 and a few months. When I had 2 kids I really felt like I had this figured out, or it was at least manageable. I didn't feel overwhelmed, transition from 1-2 had been smooth... then came surprise number 3! I wouldn't trade him for the world now, but getting used to caring for 3 was a bumpy ride. The day had been unraveling before it even had a chance to begin.  I was woken up to a fight between brothers, and then a fussy little one.  The house was turned upside down and shaken hard. Dishes were piled. Laundry was a mountain. my nerves were fried. I felt like I was failing, no, that's not quite how I felt,  I actually felt like I WAS a failure.  There's a big difference between the two,  we can fail at a task, or a job... but it is still just a task or a job. When we start to take on the persona of Failure... Like we're identifying with that as a term to describe ourselves, that's a whole world of difference.  My strength was gone.  I was overwhelmed, spent, stressed to the max.  I wasn't functioning well at all. I would have complete anxiety take over at the mere thought of going anywhere with three kiddos in tote, so typically I just stayed home.  Isolation was at least comforting. No one had to KNOW how much I was in desperation mode.  I could just be in these 4 walls... and survive. When I would muster up enough courage or energy to venture out, it wouldn't match my expectations, and it was completely exhausting anyways, so it only pushed me further into the feeling of being completely trapped.  I felt like a prisoner in my own home and it was so claustrophobic.  I really was trying to manage it all. I really was putting in my best effort, but it wasn't cutting it!  I wasn't able to keep up with chores. I wasn't able to multitask on the small blips of sleep I was fitting in. I wasn't juggling the daily stuff well at all.  As this day wore on, I remember just feeling so exhausted: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I was running literally on empty.  I couldn't get the baby to take a nap, my 4 year old was tantruming it up and fighting me on every turn. My almost 2 year old was getting into trouble any time by back was turned.  I wanted to escape. I wanted to hide from it all. I wanted to run away.  I put the baby in his crib hoping he would give into the sleep he was so fiercely fighting and I quietly snuck behind our couch and hid. I hid from the mess. I hid from my kids. I hid from the pressures of the day and my life that honestly felt like it had fallen apart all around me.  I sobbed. like soul wrenching cries. Then my sobs of overwhelmeness, exhaustion, frustration and failure turned into a plea for help.  As I sobbed my heart out, my heart made a shift. Not one of defeat, although at the time that's how I would have described it.  But one of surrender.  I had been trying and trying and trying to get through each day (and night) on my own strength... and a quick inventory would reveal that it wasn't enough.  My strength had depleted about 2 months prior when the sleep deprivation really took root.  In that cry of defeat and surrender a few things happened that will be a bit of a challenge to put into words, but I'm gonna give it a shot because maybe, someone needs to hear this chapter of my life, this chapter of my testimony to get a dose of some encouragement, a friend coming shoulder to shoulder along side of you and saying "girl, I get it.  I was sooo there a handful of years too"  Maybe someone needs to hear this washing of grace that filled my spirit with renewed hope.  As I cried and cried and cried, hidden from life's pressures, life's blessings, life's responsibilities and challenges, my Savior met me right there in the disaster.  And wrapped His love around me, in a way I can't really describe, and poured His strength into me.  See, my strength wasn't enough, that's why I was feeling the way I was. I wasn't created to do this on my own, in fact I couldn't.  I needed Him to fuel me. 

This was the first time in my life where the saying we all quickly say "rely on God to get you through" Really became authentic to me. Like I learned how to flesh out this relying on God thing.  I NEEDED Him. Desperately. and man, was I at a desperate place.  He met me there behind my couch, with all the cheerios, dust, toys and probably a lost remote... and He didn't disappoint. He hadn't abandoned me before that, but I had turned blindly from Him. As the days started to compile into a longer amount of time, I started reading the Word while my coffee was brewing first thing in the morning. I'd get at least a verse into my soul... and I started giving Him my challenges, my areas that seriously felt suffocating to me, and He breathed in me new life. New breath. The breath of Life.  Real-life didn't go away.  It's not like I got to come back out from behind that couch and my house was magically clean, and my boys were suddenly angelic well mannered little cherubs.  Nah, that's not how it works.  But my soul was less weary, and I KNEW... like not in my brain knew, but in my heart KNEW, I wasn't in this alone.  I didn't have to try to juggle this all on my own and on my own strength.  His grace sunk deep into my spirit, and that identity of failure was no longer one I claimed. I am in no way what so ever a perfect mom. and in no way what so ever do I feel like I've got this figured out... but my prayer is that I won't forget the lesson learned through hidden tears that day that I'm not in this alone. I don't have to do this on my own strength... because His strength is infinitely greater. His wisdom is infinitely deeper. His patience, His love, His joy exists right there in sleepless nights, and brother fights, and sass.  In the raw, ugly, realness of life, He can add so much hope, and perspective and courage. He can replace our anxiety with trust.  He can give us courage to invest in friendships that bring life!  He can fuel our days and calm our souls at night to rest.  He wants to do real-life with us.. and until that day, hiding from my real-life, I didn't really get what that meant.  He offers us Salvation for eternity and Salvation and grace for Today! We have the privilege to walk through life (real-life) with Him! So if you are on your face, in the dust and cheerios today... trying to hide from it all.  Girl, I get it.  You are NOT alone, and you aren't meant to do this alone.  That defeat you are feeling can actually be a moment of great strength. 

Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak.   

Happy Mother's Day to all the real-life moms!  

Our identity layers, and Who is at our very core

My Identity

When asked who I am when first meeting someone, there are a few go-to answers you would hear from me.  "I'm a stay at home, homeschooling mom of 4 boys" Is my typical ice breaker answer.  I stay home. I teach. I have 4 boys.  Your answer would likely be different from mine-  (Shout out to any other sahms, who homeschool 4 boys- message me... girl we are soul sisters)  lol. Maybe you work and you'd tell me about your career. Maybe you are a student and I'd hear about your education you're pursuing. Maybe you're a grandmother and you'd show me pictures of your grands. You might share something you're passionate about- art, animals, fitness.  If you are trusting and I'm making you feel especially invited, after introductions you might share a challenge you're facing, a fear or even an especially hard circumstance you're going through.  We share these different layers, to different people, at different times. Our roles. Our responsibilities, commitments, schedules. Hopefully we share struggles and prayer requests, ways we're being convicted, and growing as well.  It's this layer of vulnerability that I'm really passionate about this year.  As a New Year unfolded, I made it my intentional focus to find joy in the daily- the mundane real-life.  And to be transparent about ways I need prayer- ways I'm struggling to grow in my faith. Things God has really broken my heart over, and areas I'm experiencing HIS victory in.  

Identity is very layered, and each layer is unique for each person you cross paths with. We might share a layer of motherhood, but differ in # of kiddos, ages, gender. We might both be married, but differ in hobbies or passions.  We might both have a love for camping, or hiking. However, at our very very very core, as Women of Christ, we get to the deepest sense of "who we are". We are Redeemed. Daughters of The Most High King. We have been ransomed at the ultimate price and given a free gift that would have never been earned, bought or awarded. An undeserved gift of eternal life... forgiveness of sins.  This is what (WHO) truly defines me, and starts effecting all other layers of my identity.  I shouldn't try to find fulfillment in other roles, or responsibilities, but this is a constant internal war. In all honesty, one that I often times lose.  If I'm basing my identity on my kids, they become an idol to me... With good intentions of taking this mom gig seriously, I unintentionally bump their status up a bit too high and pretty soon my whole existence is orbiting around them. Life is good if they are "behaving", if they are obeying or happy. I'm learning that this is a sin struggle for me. My fulfillment comes from a relationship with Christ.  My identity isn't a wife, or a mom, although both are very important relationships that have shaped me and been life changing. My CORE identity and what needs to remain as FIRST place in my life is Jesus Himself. He brings fulfillment to my other roles, to the gifts He has given to me. He pours strength into my weaknesses, courage to keep going through a trial and His faithfulness in my life won't alter or shift. His GRACE is deeper than I can even grasp, and when He convicts me and then follows my repentance with such covering, cleansing grace!  So let me formally introduce myself,  

      "I am Stef, a saved sinner, Daughter of the King"

My prayer for you is that if you are born again, you will truly seek to find your identity in Jesus.  If you don't know what all of this means, or these are some new concepts for you- my prayer is that you will seek and find. The book of John is an excellent starting place, reading the life, ministry, death and resurrection of Jesus Himself... meeting Who He is and how it effects you and your eternity.  

a bad day isn't the same as a bad life

guys, this week Tuesday and honestly part of Wednesday were those days where your nerves are fried. Where instead of feeling like you're making any progress in things like laundry, cleaning, parenting, or honestly even feeding your family, you are moving backwards at warp speed.  How can it be possible to move backwards in feeding people?!  We finish a meal no one likes and they ask for snacks-  for real. The kitchen is still a war zone from cooking and they are asking for snacks?  I can't handle this nonsense and it started to really really get to me.  

For those that don't know I'm a homeschooling stay at home mom with 4 boys.  we have a 5th, 3rd, 1st and a 3 year old who is into tantrums and screaming.  Also he likes to find markers and use his hands like paper. I'm doing my absolute best raising this crew- but somedays, like this week, it's just a LOT overwhelming.  Add to that (confession) a certain celebrity giraffe kept me up too late one night, (anyone else feel like this is the longest pregnancy ever- like even longer than my own 4?!) and my coffee wasn't quite making me bright eyed. 

The kids were bickering
I was grumpy
School was both hard to teach and hard for them to learn
the house was a mess
I was on edge
the giraffe was still expecting. (this feels good to admit) lol

It was the perfect recipe for me to give myself the big old green light to feel sorry for myself.  Like full blown pity party style. For me, once that green light is given, chocolate is consumed, dishes sit unwashed, and the woe is me mentality takes root.  I am not proud of this.  This isn't a brag post, this is me being real.  Why does having a bad day make me feel like my whole life is a mess?  I think Satan is such a pro at that... I think there is a spiritual battle waging with such intensity that we don't even recognize. and sometimes giving myself the "green light" is really just as excuse to sin... and I need to recognize that too.  

His lies to me:  
   kids are fighting = I am failing at being a mom
   the house is messy = I can't juggle all of this like other people can
   a giraffe hasn't had a baby on facebook live = it EFFECTS me
   A tantrum = I can't handle this anymore
   

Once lies are recognized, they can start being replaced with truth... and truth is freeing!  So kids are fighting, I need to deal.  They can go outside and get out some of this energy in a healthy way. they can do chores, they can lose a privilege, they can be assigned to help clean up this mess around here. I need to be ready with a plan.  Then I need to follow thru.  If they still fight, there can be things like early bedtime... and sometimes that's exactly what we all need. 

The house is a mess- I can clean!  and it'll still get messy again. Seriously, this one is just something I need to come to some kind of reality check with.  Our house is in use 24/7.  Because 5 people are HOME living, schooling, eating, projecting, playing, watching giraffes all day everyday it's an ongoing thing to pick-up, sweep-up, laundry-up.  It's just the season we're in.  I need to set my mind on other things and not get depressed with the constant state of mess. 

a giraffe.  ok, this one is hard.  Come on April!!!  You have the whole world on edge!!!

a 3 year olds' tantrum.  Again, I need to have a plan... and it still won't always follow the script... because life is like that.  life is as messy as a 3 year old with markers.

Bottom line, bad days don't equal a bad life. They don't make me a bad mom. I need to step back, get a big picture focus again and remember that God is working on each of these hearts... mine included!

This verse soothes my soul at least as much as chocolate does, Hope you find some hope in it too

second guessing- everything.

Homeschool
Schedule
Housework
Free Time

These are my constant balancing challenges. How do I manage our days home with making sure we tackle school, keep the house in a real-life lived in "clean-ish" state or at least not an episode of hoarders? How do I give responsibilities to the boys and have them do the "right" amount of chores? And one of the benefits of homeschooling is that they can have time for their hobbies, how do I find a good balance for this? 

I DON'T KNOW! It's like juggling bowling pins.  And that's not a strength of mine either.

Just like a ton of moms I've talked with, we have this thing we're really good at. (and it's not something to brag about) We excel at constantly second guessing ourselves. I've seen those posts about the mom being in bed and not able to sleep at the end of the day wondering if she loved enough, gave enough, did enough, etc... the message we play is "everyone else has this figured out" Why do we torment ourselves like this? I've been spending some time thinking over this- and have a few ideas. 

First, I think we compare. I compare other homeschooling schedules, I compare other people's fb posts of their clean homes, I compare life, compare kids, and compare talents.  Why do we do this? Our lives are all different, and as my friend Amy says, comparison is the thief of joy.  I believe this! When we look at other homes, other marriages, other schedules... we are pulled away from contentedness. We are pulled away from thankfulness and gratefulness and joy.  My life isn't yours... so unless we can encourage eachother in our own unique journeys please please please don't compare.  

The second reason I think we get trapped in this, is we aren't transparent enough.  I was just talking with a friend Sunday evening at church and it came up in our conversation that how on earth can we encourage eachother, support eachother or be there for one another as sisters in Christ if we pretend life is perfect?  This goes hand in hand with a passion I've had recently to celebrate real-life, not perfect life. To find the joy in DAILY. And it's true!  We need to open up, let others in, and share our struggles with the people God gave us to do life with. We need eachother.  I don't have it all figured out, but I can relate to the struggles in marriage, mom-ing, even in our walks with Christ. And the point of sharing isn't to complain, but to get in the trenches with eachother. We can't get in trenches or have anyone come meet us in our trench if we pretend life is great... and are never willing to share struggles, challenges and hard stuff. Transparency is a powerful thing.  It shines light where darkness is. The thing about darkness is that's where lies thrive, sin thrives, struggling alone thrives. So let's open up a little more. Let's get alongside eachother, not in comparison, but in a heart of encouragement, empathy, compassion and growth. So that we can do this real-life thing together. 

The third thing I think happens with this constant second guessing thing we do as women is having discernment to know what is guilt, and what is conviction.  Satan wants to point out our failures over and over again.  He wants to remind us of all the ways we aren't meeting the bar.  He wants us to feel defeated and not worthy.  To make us believe his lie that everyone else is thriving and we're alone over here failing. We need to call out truth in that battle, because Christ's message to us is SO different than that.  He wants to call out our sin, not to keep us wallowing there, but because HE PAID for that sin on the cross and it cost Him everything in order to set us free! (John 3:16) He convicts us in order to FORGIVE and to give us VICTORY over those struggles.  He wants us to live a life that's free.  Not free to keep sinning, but free from the trap of sin! He wants us to live out our unique stories in a way that shines our lights blazing bright into this dark world... and to shine in a way that gives Him the glory!  But we need His wisdom to know the difference between guilt over things we really don't need to claim guilt in.  And wisdom to know the voice of conviction and to have a heart willing to repent. A heart tender and seeking Him. The best way to grow in discernment is to get in the Word... to study it, learn from it, and make that a priority.

The last thing that I've had on my heart is our pride. Man it gets in the way of making changes that will actually benefit us. We want to do this well, but we don't necessarily want ideas to change things up a bit. This is an area I want to let go of.  I want to be confidant in the roles I'm living, but I want humbleness and a heart that's willing to be taught, nurtured and sometimes flat out called out. (ouch) Pride is ugly, but it's clothed in a really tempting garment. It's deceiving but it hides itself well. 

So sisters, let's rise above! Let's let go of some of these traps we have blindly fallen into and let's do this real-life journey together.  To HIS glory! Let's live an abundant life.

When real life isn't what you expected

Confession, before I had kids, I was seriously clueless and had these crazy unrealistic expectations about parenting.  You know, the hallmark card version that no one really lives out. examples:  sweet family meals, frolicking in the fields, styling little girls' hair, playing dress-up, and good-night snuggles. The reality looks more like loud, messy family meals, wrestling instead of frolicking in the fields, picking mud out of hair, an occasional cape or

superhero costume running through the house, and whining about bed-time. When our expectations aren't realistic we can sometimes feel let down about the real-life version we are given.  But what I've realized is that the version we have isn't less than we pictured, it's just different. Sometimes VERY different, but the joy of raising kids IS. STILL. THERE. in the noise, in the roughhousing, in the never ending challenge of disciplining and fostering disciples, the task of growing these kids up. It's there in the weariness and the overwhelming responsibility. We just have to stop chasing our vision, and get in line with God's. 

I read once that we should occasionally grieve hard the life we thought we would have, and then get up and thank God for the life we have.

Our oldest is practicing his sharp shooting skills for his first youth hunt next weekend, with his dad. My heart tugs a few different ways at these milestones; first I get a little sentimental at how fast these years are flying, and then I hear this little voice that's stealing a bit of my joy. This voice whispering visions of what I thought our family would look like, a family that would include at least one little girl. Tea parties, nails, hair, and mommy-daughter things are all things I don't have. If I linger too long, or let that voice grow in volume I can just kiss my joy goodbye. That voice of lies, voice of "what-if's" starts to not just whisper but starts shouting, and it's deafening and defeating to listen to... and that's a place I've done some battling in. That's a place I'm learning to have victory in kicking those lies out.  You see, I am raising 4 boys. Four hard and tender, crazy and caring, Loud and Loud and LOUD boys. Boys who love Jesus, and are growing in their faith, boys who are learning to stand up for what's right, boys who still hug me goodnight. Boys who build tree houses, but call for me to climb up to take a look with them. Boys who invite me into their world of boy things to celebrate with them! Wow, what a privilege!  These boys are WONDERFUL. They challenge me and keep me on my knees in prayer, but they are such a gift. If I allow my heart to wander to the "What-if's" and just start hanging out there, my contentment is gone, and I'm missing out on what is right here in front of my face.  If I wish these moments away, then I'm missing out on the blessings God gave me to raise. 

So join me in something, do this with me okay? Just stop. Stop wishing and pushing for your version of things, and surrender to God's. He will surprise you in all the good ways. He will supply what you need to face challenges and be your strength in the times when you are spent. Keep pouring into these souls you are raising. And do not listen to those not so subtle whispers or those hard to miss shouts that are lies. Don't listen to the list of "what-if's" don't give him even another second of your joy. Kick him out! 

Real-life is hard, but real-life exists in the common everyday things. It's in the teeth brushing, laundry doing, floor sweeping, dish washing and keeping house moments.  It's in the band-aid applying, scrape kissing, sick snuggles when they need mom. It's in the being a welcome home for your husband, a cup of hot coffee waiting. Real-life, all you've hoped and wished it to be is NOW. 

Real-life is in the kids playing outside
the kitchen window while I do supper dishes.

Don't miss out on the gifts of today to be waiting, or wishing for a vision of what you thought it would be, cause you'll miss out on the wonder of what it IS!  Real-life is ugly, it's raw and hard and beautiful and full.  Real-life is finding Jesus in it all. It's in leading these little ones to know a Savior, it's in a Bible verse that gets you through stress. It's in relying on Him when you are just done. It's in His faithfulness when you are faithless. It's in the soul soaring, praise giving freedom and forgiveness of sin! John 3:16 is real-life! This world, this life is just a vapor, eternity is a'waiting! 

An Attitude of Gratitude

Contentment has been on my heart a lot this summer. As I posted about earlier my husband lost his job, and we fleshed out playing the waiting game for the majority of the year, not really having clear direction or knowing the next step.  As I wrestled with trusting God's plan in all of this (wish I could say that trust came easily, but being totally honest, I struggled back and forth between feeling peace and then having that worry/stress creep in and shadow over me) During this wait, my faith was stretched, answers didn't come as quickly as we prayed for them to (funny how that works!) and we didn't have any control over the way things at his past job unfolded. Contentment, wasn't a word that I could relate to very well during the past 7 months. But as God provided an open door and guided us through the next step in HIS TIMING, I learned so much.

The verse, 1 Timothy 2:13 spoke loud and clear, "if we are faithless, he remains faithful" I can't say that this trial was a total victory for me where my faith didn't ever waver, where I claimed perfect peace throughout and was a shining example of how to face storms in life. I failed a lot. Many times. But God was faithful, as He absolutely always is 100% of the time. He had a plan, He never deserted us, He never failed us. His plan didn't change just cause I was stressing, or struggling or doubting. He was patient with me, and showed us His plan for our family only when it was His timing to do so. 

This fall as Josh is starting his new job and we are transitioning I want to stop and really praise God for that faithfulness He poured on us. Gratitude is what my heart is bursting with in this season. We have a list a mile long of things to be thankful for. 

• Marriage that stood strong, survived, & made it through stress (we took some hits and have some mending to do, but our commitment to eachother didn't waver. Rock solid it stood because it's foundation is centered on, built on, totally dependent on Christ) Marriage is so hard, seriously. & also so rewarding. 
• four crazy, awesome, fun, healthy, challenging, rad boys to grow up. Parenting is a wild ride. These guys are tough and tender. Wonderful and nerve wrecking, amazing amazing amazing. We are honored to be raising them.
• A cozy home
• food to eat
• a Christ centered church family, where we go to be convicted through the Word, be encouraged, be inspired and to worship together
• a group of friends that prays over us and is there for us
• Family

So grateful. so so so grateful. 

Choosing contentment.

Finding the joy in the real-life we are living and focusing on that. There is an abundance!   

I also know and want to recognize that the trial of a job loss would be something some of you would gladly trade your trials for. I know there are much harder, serious and heart-wrenching things to face in this life. The verse remains truth for you to cling to as well, He IS faithful. Always. In His way, in His time, with His big picture in mind. He sets eternity in our hearts. Seek Him. 

and then there were four. 4. FOUR. IV.

We welcomed our fourth boy into our family on a cold January day.  He is wonderful.  Seriously.  From his head full of beautiful hair down to his wrinkled little feet.  All 10.6 pounds of miracle- placed in our hands to love and raise. What an incredible honor!  

His chubby cheeks beg to be kissed.  His little snuggles to be soaked up. His adorable little cry to be soothed.  We are really enjoying having a baby at home again since it has been almost 4 years since we heard the newborn cry.  Diapers, feedings, getting up in the night... it all came rushing back.  But along with the challenging parts, the feelings of an indescribable love came rushing back too.  My heart could just burst!  

The transition to homeschooling, housekeeping, hormones & not enough sleep.  Transitions are hard. and this one wasn't perfect. We had some rough days. I had some moments where I felt totally overwhelmed...  Like at lunch when Ledger spilled his milk and I just burst out in tears.  lol.  yeah- that happened.  My boys looked wide-eyed at me like "what the heck is going on with mom?! we spill milk all the time and she doesn't cry..."  Emotional, sentimental and longing for peace we stumbled through the first few days after Josh went back to work.  But we made it!  That's the thing: transitions don't last forever and we slowly fell into a rhythm.  I made a point to ignore dishes, laundry and clutter as I focused on giving the boys the attention they needed. We watched cartoons when we needed to.  Stayed in pajamas.  Used paper plates and ate things like chicken nuggets and pizza. We colored, read books together, took naps and played a lot of video games. We had so many close friends & family drop off meals and enjoyed their visits and encouragement. I didn't pretend everything was perfect, but I also didn't let the struggles take away from all the ways we are so blessed. I cried when I needed to, slept when I could, appreciated all the ways Josh was helping & talked to my friends about the rough days.  I also laughed at myself for the unexplained tears. I took vitamins, and prayed for the emotions that were running through me... The first month was a blur and we blinked and it had already gone by. 

That's the thing with raising kids. They don't last forever either.  Our oldest is already 8 and it seems like just yesterday that it were his cries that were waking us in the night.  I don't want to experience this season feeling overwhelmed or stressed out.  I want to notice and appreciate the little moments in each day and not to let the amount of sleep I got to become the deciding factor in the quality of day that follows.  So I'm drinking coffee, soaking up the Word & making a very intentional point to make the most of it all- even the below zero ones where we are cooped up in the house together! (Oh, and I also give Ledger his milk in a cup with a lid and straw now too!)  

my hands are full but my heart is fuller

Besties vs. Worsties

Fighting

Bickering

Tattling

Name Calling

Rough Housing

Annoying!!

I am up to my eyebrows raising 3 little boys... It is unbelievable to me the fights that break out over a toy,  or a block, or a stick!  (or anything!)  They are crazy competitive, at eachother's throats and have the ability to make me feel like I am totally losing my mind.  The messes they make, the disaster that goes in their wake is unreal.  They battle tempers, raw and wild emotions, jealousy, anger & selfishness.  The things that SCREAM out to me, demand discipline, beg for prayer and take up a lot of our time together.

And then there are the quiet moments

The moments that could easily slip by as I breath a sigh of relief or just try to regroup.  Moments where they are sitting together at the table drawing their favorite superheros.  Moments where they are laying side by side on their bellies looking at the new search and find book from the library.  Moments when they are eachother's greatest defender, protector, best friend.  These type of moments do not scream for attention, or demand me to even notice them... in fact, they are much the opposite.  These moments threaten to slip by unnoticed in all the hecticness of daily life.  These moments must be intentionally sought out- and then I have the choice to let these moments soak deep into my very being.  Seeing glimpses of their true character starting to shine through all the negative bits and pieces that are tempting them at every turn gives me hope.

The fight that doesn't take place because my 7 year old chooses to put his little brother before himself.  The name that isn't called because my hot tempered 5 year old is actively being changed by a Savior that loves him and called him by name!  The bickering that is nipped in the bud because even my 3 year old is learning, little by little, how to be a friend.  These moments are silent and filled to the brim with peace-  these moments are the ones that are SO easy to miss if my only focus is on the fight that took place an hour ago.  The sweet times with these little boys can fade into the shadows if I allow the tattling from the past to hold my attention. 

My goal this year is to notice the moments that would otherwise go unnoticed.  And to uplift these guys in prayer for all the areas that are still a challenge.  I want my perspective to be one with eternal value-  and I want to take the time to notice prayers being answered each time the quiet moments surface.  God began a work in each of their individual lives the very moment they chose to accept Him as their Savior- and I am going to claim the promise that the Word gives: 

What little moments in your life are going by unnoticed today?  

Tender vs. Hard-Hearted

Ephesians 4:32

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you"

Sunday September 23rd- I sat in our church- one wiggly 6 year old on my right, one whiny and over-tired 4 year old on my left.  Having numerous behavior problems in the short time we had been in church and to say I felt "tender-hearted" that morning would be a flat out lie.  Anxiety attack would be a more accurate description of how I felt.  

Off the boys ran to children's church-  Pastor Rod started his sermon- we read Ephesians 4:29-32 and are talking about how to be a good steward with our words.  My heart, however is convicting me to be tender-hearted towards my boys.  I sit next to my husband, letting the message sink in, scribbling notes, following along...  One note written at the top of my page is "Am I tender-hearted or hard-hearted in what God has called me to do right now? At home with my kids?"

You see- parenting isn't easy.  (I'll pause for a moment so you can let out your shocked gasp) Actually, anyone with kids knows all too well the challenges that go hand in hand with raising them just in the day in and day out activities. Breaking up sibling fights- teaching about kind words, obeying what mom and dad say, how to be responsible with their own things, how to clean up after themselves. Working with them on how to handle emotions they are faced with- especially hot headed little tempers.  Doing our very best to shepherd their little hearts to know Christ on a deeper level. For me- it seems that all too often I struggle with building up a wall of resentment towards my own little boys. I get weighed down with the struggles we have and don't offer grace along with the discipline. Not that I think that as parents we can turn the other way when it's obvious that we need to step in and help them make better choices- direct them and their behavior and help them grow to be respectful of others.  In fact- it's very important that we take our time to really instill all of these characteristics in their hearts while we have this awesome opportunity raising them.  

But I realized that morning, sitting in our church how much I have really fallen short with allowing that resentment to build up-  not forgiving them and moving forward with our day the way that we could.  Kind-of holding their sin against them.  How dare I do that?  After all- Christ shed His precious blood to cover that sin that they are struggling with- who do I think I am, that I can be slow to forgive?  I am humbly taking this to heart and thinking of all the times Christ poured His perfect grace down on me- for my own struggles with sin and how we as Christians are called to do the same.  I am called to forgive my boys- and move on.  Period.  I feel overwhelmingly convicted to pray about this and really allow Christ to take me, as a mom, to a deeper level of parenting.  I am tempted to be overwhelmed, to feel defeated on some days or to take the easy route.  However, that isn't the only option for me.  I can instead choose to rely on Christ to fully give me the strength to do this well and to change the areas that can be improved upon.  It is wrong of me to hold onto their mistakes and have a bitter hard-heart towards them.  

That being said-  His grace covers my own shortcomings and it's with sincere gratitude that I am soaking it up this afternoon and praying for a teachable heart, that through His perfect parenting He can teach me, His child, how to be more tender-hearted towards my own little boys. 

School Year 2012

We homeschool.

I know- a lot of stereotypes probably come to mind as soon as the word "homeschool" is said.  We honestly, probably fit into a lot of those preconceived opinions.  Some, but not all of them.  

Our heart:
We have chosen to homeschool for a few different reasons- the main one being our faith.  I do not see public school as bad, or evil.  In fact- We are very blessed to live in an excellent school district and look forward to when our boys are a bit older and we will plug them into a school that we trust with teachers I not only respect, but who I know have a true heart for the kids they are teaching.  I know my boys will be in caring, loving and well trained hands.  For now though, while they are still in the early years- we feel led to keep them home and teach them not only academics, but also help them grow their own faith and lay a foundation that has roots straight to eternity.  I love being their teacher- it is an inspiration to teach them and watch their eyes light up as they catch onto a new concept.  To be here to see how proud they are when they get words on their spelling quiz right, or to watch them work hard on a project.  I am not quite ready to share the joy of teaching my boys with someone else! 

It isn't always easy, in fact with boys ages 6, 4 and 2 the days can be quite a challenge.  That doesn't discourage me (most days) or make me question our decision to keep them home for now.  A lot of jobs are hard- and a lot of jobs come with challenges a mile long.  I am relying on Christ to give me the strength for the extra hard days, and resting in His grace.  I know that having them home has given us, as a family, endless opportunities to instill a faith that is authentic, applicable to daily life and more valuable than anything else.  Opportunities that may have otherwise been missed.  

I do not feel that every family under the sun should homeschool their kids in order to instill a foundation of faith.  I also do not feel that parents who choose public school are bad, or are neglecting their responsibilities.  I do, however, feel very confident in the fact that for the season of life God has us right now- He is blessing our efforts to homeschool.  I know that by having the boys here- it is growing all of us to rely more deeply on Him, and it is a step of faith to obey what we feel He has asked us to do, knowing that all too soon this season will come to an end and I will be waving goodbye through the school bus window.  I know that He will also be there when we transition to the next phase- and that He will bless our years with public school kiddos too!  

My boys are gifted to my husband and I and we feel blessed to be raising them.  Our prayer is that they will grow up knowing a Savior that will never leave them, that they will learn the power of prayer.  That from an early age they will begin a daily walk with their Lord and become men of courage, integrity, compassion and love.  For the years I have them home, my prayer is that they won't just learn how to read, how to correctly do math and the different parts of sentence structure.  I pray that they will learn about the God who made them, loves them, and has a purpose for their lives that will far out pass any other path they may choose to take.  That they will begin the process of learning how to walk with Christ in a way that effects every moment of their day- not just their eternal destination.  

We are diving into a new school year- with a sense of peace knowing that the time we are investing in these 3 little souls is a very worthwhile investment.  That my job as their mom is one I do not take lightly, and one that gives me great joy!  Weather you are homeschooling, private schooling or public schooling- may this school year be one that matters in the life of your child!  Keep praying for their days- and that they will choose to walk with God wherever they are.